SPILLING THE TEA
What To Order On Your Next Boba Run, According To Your Enneagram
Remember the good old days when astrology didn’t define our every move? Nope, me either.
Blame meme culture, but astrology has become such a central pillar of modern wellness that the Co—Star and The Pattern apps live in my “Health” folder in my phone, right next to my 1-800Contacts app. Sometimes I think The Pattern is operated Keebler-elf style from inside my brain — it knows.
But if you already know what breakfast cereal, animal, and clothes hanger style you are according to your sign (I’m a velvet clothes hanger apparently, which is honestly not not true), where do you go from there? What’s the next frontier in defining your life’s meaning through completely arbitrary classifications? Three words: Psychological personality theories.
If the Myers-Briggs paradigm is the high school guidance counselor of personality theories, the Enneagram System, which divides personalities into nine types through a very aesthetically pleasing diagram, is its Harvard PhD, vegan-but-in-a-cool-way, hot yoga instructor-life-coach-proxy upgrade.
Among the vitally important pieces of life guidance - relationship red flags, career instincts, personal finance audits - that the Enneagram can offer? Your next boba order. Listen, these are no mere suggestions. Here’s what you should be sipping on next, according to your personality.
Type 1: The Reformer
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic
The Order: Matcha latte (with 50% sugar). You’ll only order matcha if you know it’s quality grade and responsibly sourced, but when it’s done right, it’s done right. Since you’ve stopped drinking coffee but have been #Whole30 since last last year’s New Year’s Resolution, this is just the right amount of caffeine and sugar to get you through that 2pm slump.
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
The Order: Mango fruit tea. If you were a color, you’d definitely be sunshine yellow, just like this drink. You’ll get a small size with no extras because you’ve just offered to pay for your friends’ drinks, too. And you’ve tipped the cashier and tried to ask if her eyelash extensions are natural because “they look soooo amazing! And also have a great day!” Ugh, you angel.
Type 3: The Achiever
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious
The Order: Caramelized brown sugar tea with fresh mousse cream from Tiger Sugar. You’ll justify the indulgence by saving it for after your most ambitious list of errands yet. The line for the drink is usually 2 hours long, but you intentionally plan your visit for the coldest day of the year, so you can grab and go within 30 minutes (so you can get a crack on the rest of your agenda, of course). In fact, you’ve scheduled this outing into your bullet journal and your Google Calendar and your to-do list app. This tea has an 8-hour preparation time, thousands of 5-star reviews, and will look great on the ’gram, although you’ll probably just post it to stories because you’re not that desperate for likes. You’ll tag the location so everyone knows you went to the flagship Tiger Sugar, not its flailing neighbor’s poor excuse of a knockoff. (Writer’s note: I’m a Type 3 who hasn’t tried this yet, and it pains me.)
Type 4: The Individualist
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
The Order: Lavender milk tea. You know it’s a polarizing flavor, but that’s exactly why you like it. When your friends try to drag you for ordering soapy bubbles (literally), you’ll give them a withering look because they’ll never understand your refined, romantic palette. While you like to give your boba order some creative flair — you’re a big fan of layered matcha/fruit concoctions — sometimes you just crave the esoteric, yet simple things. Plus, lavender really transports you back to the solo trip you took to the south of France that one time and referred to the slow wi-fi as “pastoral.”
Type 5: The Investigator
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated
The Order: Honey green tea with 25% sugar, herbal jelly, and basil seeds. You’ll rattle off your order without breaking eye contact and wait for the cashier to catch up. You can’t believe they don’t have Apple Pay yet. You’re a pioneer of unconventional flavor combinations, and this is the perfect drink to sip as you finish that book on Nietzsche you’re re-reading.
Type 6: The Loyalist
The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious
The Order: Classic black milk tea. It’s a classic for a reason! If you’re feeling a little adventurous, maaaaybe spring for taro, but only if the Yelp reviews you’ve scoured have reassured you that it “tastes really fresh.” Cheese foam is not in your vocabulary, and that’s okay. You’re still scarred from that one time you were peer-pressured into trying honeydew.
Type 7: The Enthusiast
The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered
The Order: Strawberry ice blended with cheese foam. It’s like the Pink Drink from Starbucks, but the boba version! SO COOL! Next time you’ll definitely try something completely different though, maybe that new, limited-time-only dragon fruit slushie? You’ll also get your thirteenth punch card to add to your stack since you keep forgetting to bring yours. YOLO.
Type 8: The Challenger
The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational
The Order: Coffee milk tea, but exclusively the cold-brew one from Boba Guys with *oat milk*. If someone offers to make a boba run anywhere else, you just leave them on read. You’ll manage to elbow your way to the front of the line (it’s called *alpha energy*, people) and do a bit of mental math to see whether upgrading to 24oz fits your macros. It does, but you’ll stick with the 16oz in case you get a bit peckish after your third CrossFit session later today and want the option of a third of a protein cookie.
Type 9: The Peacemaker
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent
The Order: Jasmine milk tea. It’s sweet, soothing and classic, and you’re at ViVi again, because it’s what your friends wanted even though you kinda sorta wanted to try that new place you saw on Insta… plus you didn’t have as much time to browse the menu because you offered to drop them off before circling around for street parking. You say “50% sweet” but the cashier punches in 100%. It’s fine, because she’s probably had a long day and doesn’t need to be stressed right now.
Sip, savor and enjoy, my boba-loving, emotionally aware friends. And remember, you are a one-of-a-kind, multidimensional individual that isn’t defined by what you drink or how you score on a personality test. Unless you’re a Type 3, because I can confirm that that sh*t is 100% accurate.
(Most importantly, no matter what type you are, remember to bring your reusable straw.)